Monomaniac
by stigmata-groupe
Summary: They sat together in the moonlight, and suddenly, the past appered... Together...or alone? AoshiMegumi


**Moon**  
  
By 23ra )  
  
**Disclaimer:** I'm a girl, and girls just wanna have fun . Actually… The characters I borrowed belong to the great mangaka Nobuhiro Watsuki sigh. But if Watsuki-sensei intends to auction Shinomori Aoshi (off), I certainly will sell all my damn life to own Aoshi-san eyes shining  
  
**Pairing:** Aoshi/Megumi, my favourite respectable fice pair . Yeah, seems like I am officially and solemnly confessing my endless love to them. with hand upon my chest  
  
**Summary: **They sat together in the moonlight, and suddenly, the past appeared…  
  
**First note:** Aoshi-san is a little OOC, I mean, sensitive, not the cool guy I love, but the side I think he is shrug.  
  
_**Dedicated to Aoshi-san, Megumi-san, and especially all Aoshi/Megumi ficwriters and fans. Arigatou gozaimasu, minna-san, for showing me that I'm not the only fan of this pair. Ai shiteru **_

* * *

The wind. The moon. Sweet. Pure. Nothing left but the sound of blowing wind. The cover of fog. Not vaporous.  
  
Bright moon. Old hometown. The moon was this bright in Kyoto, but forever, to him… The warm tea flowed through him. A bit bitter, but not enough to make anyone frown, only the taste that would last for ever and ever. Like that night… But what left wasn't sweet. He sighed gently. Just like before. There was something insecure when he remembered that. Maybe she also heard it? He raised his eyes silently to look at her.  
  
Her sight directed to the black sky. Some threads of her hair fluttered in the wind. Her chin propped up in her slender fingers. Curved eyelids did not blink. Red lips seemed…smiling? The jasmine scent emitted vaguely. From the tea or from her? He didn't know and wouldn't have wanted to know. He just wanted that feeling… He shook his head softly, happened to realize that on the small table, his hands was very close to hers. And he was also close to her…  
  
_/Only a footstep could erase the space within them. He just needed to reach out his hands a little further and then, she might be in his arm once again. But no matter how close she was to him, she was still so distance, and there was no way for him to bring her back…/_  
  
Faint.  
  
_/Her sight directed to the black sky. Some threads of her hair fluttered in the wind. Her slender fingers circled around him shakily. Curved eyelids didn't blink. Red lips tightened. Eyes sparkled in darkness. The jasmine scent was so vague that stuffy. The room was unsteady with moonlight. The moon danced around them quietly. But to those two people, the moon meant nothing…/_  
  
Memory. People always extolled how beautiful memory was. But to him, memory was just a tottering yet firm part of his life. The more he tried to forget, the more it haunted…  
  
Shuddering. The both strange and familiar feeling… Unsafe… Unexpectedly, he gave her a look… Safe… Surprised. Between safety and unsafe-ness… was only a look, a thin fragile girl that he himself was afraid he would break her? She still didn't take her eyes off the moon, the weft of moon from present. But he, right now, when he couldn't take his eyes of her, she was her from present or just a reflection through the foggy cover?  
  
Lightly, he felt her gaze on him. He could not help gazing her back. They looked at each other. It was a long time since the last time they looked at each other, the day he walked into Kamiya Dojo to find Battousai. And it would be longer since the last time they looked at each other like… like this. A sigh escaped his lips. Maybe she knew that he stared at her for a moment. He sensed his cheeks getting hot before letting his eyes wander about the small courtyard. There was something foolish in this situation made him do one thing he almost forgot. Smile. Did he just… smile? He was so astonished that he didn't realize the one in front of him did the same.  
  
"A night with this bright moon was rare, isn't it?"  
  
It was she again to start the conversation. Wind, moon, cloud…  
  
"Aa."  
  
"It probably is more beautiful in Kyoto?"  
  
"Aa…"  
  
"Do you think when we arrive Okina-san is still alright?"  
  
The patience in her saying was not enough to let no words get rid of his mouth but…  
  
"Aa."  
  
"You only have 'Aa', right?"  
  
"Aa."  
  
He waited her to laugh and was not wrong. Her soft tinkle laughter sounded like the wind-bell. The bell sound evoked so many things… She shook her head gently, hair waved in the wind.  
  
"Seven years and you still remain unchanged…"  
  
"Seven years isn't indeed a long time…"  
  
He sipped a gulp of tea, quietly turned his cup.  
  
"But not only a long time doesn't mean changing."  
  
She replied, tapped her fingers on the handle. The wind stirred lightly. So long…  
  
"What about you?"  
  
He heard himself speaking up.  
  
"Me?"  
  
The surprise in her voice did not slip his ears. Because of his question or because of he was the one who asked?  
  
"You from present and you from seven years ago… did you…"  
  
He left it unfinished. Silence. Footsteps echoed from the street. Far away. He, and maybe her, were going upstream to that night…  
  
The clock's hands whirled back to seven years ago. A moonlit night…  
  
_/Flashback/  
  
The wind. The moon. Sweet. Pure.  
  
Her hair touched his cheek. They used to stand here, used to contemplate the moon, used to talk, used to look at each other, used to hold each other in arms, used to… Sigh. He didn't know it was from him or from her. He only knew that after those "used to", this night was the last. The last of everything, of her and him. But his shoulder was still dry. He looked down, fondled her hair. He did not see the moon, but he could see it run through her hair. She was so small and fragile that he understood, if he released his hands, she would disappear from his life forever. But if he tightened her slender body more strongly, she would break into sand, and sand would… But, sooner or later, he would have to release…  
  
"Just this night…"  
  
She breathed on his neck. Hot.  
  
Yes, just one night. Tomorrow… Tomorrow Kanryu would come back. Everything between her and him wasn't enough to let her stay until tomorrow… Who said that tomorrow was clearer?  
  
"You really want it?"  
  
He could not and did not have the right to blame her. She has rights to do everything she wanted for herself, including… leaving him…  
  
"But you know what I would do to you. You and I would never be like this again, don't you understand? Never ever!"  
  
He meant every word he pressed. He pushed her away gently, looked at the girl in his arm. Her sight directed to the black sky. Some threads of her hair fluttered in the wind. Her slender fingers circled around him shakily. Curved eyelids didn't blink. Red lips tightened. Eyes sparkled in darkness. The jasmine scent emitted vaguely yet stuffily. The room was unsteady with moonlight. The moon danced around them quietly. But to those two people, the moon meant nothing… Silence. Unsafe.  
  
"I can't stay here for you and kill innocent people."  
  
Her sound was as thin as breath mixed with wind. He might not recognize if he didn't felt her eyes whirling into his own. Burning. She wanted him to answer?  
  
"I can't disobey his orders for you."  
  
"Kanryu's orders?"  
  
Mocking? What did she mock him for when he had mocked himself thousands of time?  
  
"For Beshimi, for Hanya, for Shikijyo, for Hyottoko, for my Oniwaban-shuu. They need me more than you do."  
  
He wondered if he needed them more or…  
  
"So you'll let me go?"  
  
She lifted her head to meet him, her face revealed the tiredness. He could choose? He knew clearly that she was even grimmer than he was. If he did not accept, she would still do that. But if he agreed? He would be the one who let her vanish forever. Any choice left for him?  
  
"I don't want to hunt you down. After what we had spent together, I don't want me to be the one who'll kill you"  
  
"So you want me to be his toy? You want me to betray my family's and my belief? You want me to kill people? You want me to die gradually? You want me to live that way?"   
  
She recoiled from him, hurt in her eyes. The darkness was holding her tightly but he could see them burning up. So hot… So close… Only a footstep could erase the space within them. He just needed to reach out his hands a little further and then, she might be in his arm once again. But no matter how close she was to him, she was still so distance, and there was no way for him to bring her back… She could meet him again, he could meet her again, they could meet each other again, but… until when they could meet again like… like this? If only he could answer her…  
  
He stepped closer to her. They looked at each other for so long until he knew it was time… Time for them…  
  
He felt an amazing line flash across her eyes before closing it when he his lips softly touched hers. A long, very long moment. That feeling… the feeling in that night. That one… he knew that one desired pressing deeper. But he… he felt his mind was screaming, warning him to withdraw… Her lips were shaky under his own, warm to burning. Burning? Burning what when all were just ash? Ash was always ash, flew to somewhere remote that he couldn't detain. What left was only sand… Sand would come back to sand… In the end, it was just him… He took a step backwards and spoke up, bangs touched his eyes gently.  
  
"Whatever you want, do it right now, before I start regretting."  
  
He turned his back on her. Silence. Urgent breath. Halting footsteps. The door whizzed. He could hear what he never wanted. Never ever.  
  
"Sayonara, Aoshi…"  
  
The wind blew lightly by his ears. The footsteps were slowly farther.  
  
"Sayonara, Megumi..."  
  
He whispered in the wind, suddenly realized that the room seemed darker than before. No, every feeling had to vanish. He lifted his head, looked up. The moon was still shining outside. The moonlight gracefully covered everything with its saintly spray. Didn't care what it was protecting whether worth it or not… Until the sun rose up… He wondered if it could smother up what she and he had stood for to continue living until now, what he knew he would do to her tomorrow, what people called… crime. Under the moonlight, all beings were fair…  
  
/Flashback ended/_  
  
So it was seven years… he didn't sense it was that long. Not yesterday. Just a dream, so clear that faint. And between dreams and reality was a long distance…  
  
"What do you think about the way I'm being?"  
  
Her words broke the silent. Still so light that he almost missed it. She looked at him, waiting. She still wanted him to answer?  
  
"There's something doesn't even change to the end, especially their essence…"  
  
Like that moonlight, like that wind, and maybe like… just maybe…  
  
"Something doesn't mean everything."  
  
He could feel her eyes whirled into him deeper after each word.  
  
"Really so?"  
  
"However, essence and appearance are two different things."  
  
She shrugged.  
  
"Including you?"  
  
"If only I could answer you…"  
  
Her head lowered, returned them to silence. Just like before. Between them still was silent. He thought it was better for the, but this time, the upset feeling had its pressure on him. He felt like saying something… Weird. To them, he was the listener and the talker is she, wasn't it? Or he also… He happened to have the sense that he was very, very antique, always kept confusing, paranoid within reality and illusion, illusion and reality when he himself could not know what is real and what is illusive. Or reality is illusive? Or illusion is real? His words died on his lips. Just a sigh silently slipped out.  
  
"It's the third time."  
  
She spoke up out of the blue.  
  
"Aa?"  
  
"Tonight you've already sighed three times."  
  
"Aa…"  
  
She laughed lightly. Only she could broke the silence hanging over them. Like before. Just talk to have something to talk. Eventually, it would end with his insipid "Aa" and her laughter. The meaningless words only they understood, the foolish "Aa" only she was able to stand without any anger. He could feel her care for him in it. She still was that, still did not want anyone to know she cared for them with her teasing tone. The familiarity was worth getting doleful. But… he hesitated. The profound of her eyes showed the real joy, not sorrow… Did she change or not? And him… he himself was the one who never changed. Actually not? He lifted the cup up just to stare at it and, lost in his thought. Actually not? Changed and unchanged… The cup seemed to be warm, but in his hands, it was frigid. Unchanged and changed…  
  
The moon still shone. The wind still blew. Around him still was a shining golden foggy screen he did not realize. But the wind sound was softer, taken place by another sound. The sound of hands tapping on wooden table. Pure and bass like being echoed from another world from several years ago. A world were getting larger. Larger, larger, larger until he realized he was in the present. The sound was real. The sound from her hand. So close to him…  
  
Just a tiny space. A reach. He might have her back. But did he have enough strength to erase it or would let it vanish once again? If only he could have the answer. If only they could answer each other. If only… he knew what he wanted. Peace for his soul or try that could break everything. He looked at his hands. He still remembered the feeling while his hands touching her hands, while he holding them tightly, and while they slipping through his fingers forever. Dared he hold them again when he had never tried keeping any other hands in his own since he had released them?  
  
"It's late."  
  
The tapping sound broken, replaced by her thin voice.  
  
"Aa…"  
  
The dashed chair sound. She stood up, smiling.  
  
"We'll go early tomorrow, so…"  
  
She looked at him but in her eyes was the raven hair. What should he say? What could he say? Seven years ago, all were very simple. But now. In his canthus was her standing smiling. Waiting?  
  
What she waited at him? An answer when he didn't know how to answer his soul? He wanted her to stay or leave? And if he wanted her to stay, did have enough courage… could he say it out loud? Moreover, did he really, really want her to stay? Like seven years ago… His eyelashes silently shut. He waited that one to awake like every time he closed his eyes. He didn't have to wait long. Sitting in the hidden corner, that one was whisper. To whom? He didn't know because that one was facing a wall. But every word that one said still echoed in the back of his head, clear and coherence…  
  
_[You. Why do you always smiling at me? Don't you know your smile was so saintly for the one submerged by guilty darkness like me? The feeling I have for you… Like I'm a tree and you're the earth, I'm the sun and you're my firmament. But I can never be the sun in this place, where even the pure moonlight can't ray. Don't, don't, don't ever smile with that smile? Did I do anything wrong? Did I do anything wrong that you smile at me with that smile, more soulless and emotionless than he is? Was I wrong when I can't reach out to you? Was I wrong when he let you go away? I know, you never belong to me or to him… Your place is somewhere so far away, where I don't belong… And my place is some terminal place, where you can't see… Not as one… Then you left… not turning your head back… And I wasted it all just to watch you go. I need you, but where are you? Where are you in this bare world pouring its toned coloured laughter over me, over this rotten spirit? Saintly and guilty… pure and dark… eternal and extinctive… but I need you. I don't want you, I need you. He doesn't need you, but I need you… But what you see is only him. Only him. Him]_  
  
Flashing in the darkness. Light. To him. That one's look made him open his eyes all of a sudden, his hands trembled. The cup rocked… The table… Broken… The shaky tea stream whirled broken pieces along through his fingers… Stinging… Bleeding… Dark black… An arm reached out to his own just to stop death in the air. His fingers grasped that wrist. But they'd become too numb to feel it was hers… Just his mind told him that. Wasn't that what he wanted? Didn't he hope he had enough courage to hold her hand? Wasn't that what that one needed? So why in his hands is only an endless space, the faithlessness under the surface? He dropped it lightly. Nothing to hold… Just a dropping hand. Too fast to keep. He heard himself whispering. He couldn't look into her eyes.  
  
"Oyasumi, Takani-sensei…"  
  
Sigh… Footsteps… As light as the air.  
  
"Oyasumi, Shinomori-san…"  
  
Could he still be calm? The clog sound echoed on the ground was faster. She was running? No, this wasn't what he wanted to be. He never thought that what he said would have her running… away from him like this… Why wasn't that one? Why did he always run away from that one as she ran away from him? Running away? Him? Why?  
  
He suddenly felt that he was facing the wall built between "want" and "don't want", "can" and "can't", between the haunting "if only"-s. The walls were closing in to him like the "why" he asked himself even though he knew that the answer were unknowns. Himself… where he couldn't rely on… Somewhere… he belonged. He made the right moves but he lost within… He seemed to curl up with fear, to get lost in the nothingness inside of him when he didn't even know that he was real or just an unidentified being. Everybody he knew glide in a flash past his eyes, his life. How could he hold on with his own useless hands? Or they would stepped out of his life smiling like she did. What he did… in the end… no matter how hard he tried… it all fell apart… Could he find himself again when he lost his sense of confidence with so many insecure burden on his shoulders…  
  
He realized that the walls detaining that one were his own honour, pride and belief. And knew what that one needed, but he never knew what he needed. Even to a girl, he didn't even understand whether he wanted her or just a feeling of being protected… He couldn't remember between them there were any "love", "hug" or "kiss". Only the contacts between two people. Between to duplicates of each other. And when it all vanished, when she walked out of his life, when he was by himself, and when he could have her again, everything collapsed right in front of his eyes and fleeted trough his hands. He looked at them The blood had dried… The wounds crawling in his skin, the wounds he'd thought they wouldn't heal, was only papercut. Enough to make him sting, regret that he let himself bleeding unintentionally but never he had dripped blood smolderingly. No love. Just be attached himself. He felt like bursting out laughing at his own selfishness. When would she recognize that one, that invisible face? Or she had her own one to run away from it, just like him? He didn't know. Or he didn't want to know? He didn't care. Maybe he was right, maybe she was right, maybe that one was right. On the other hand, somehow all of them might have been wrong. Not now but since when he met her, he knew that he wasn't emotionless. That one had tried to escape from those wall, instead of being surrounded by "why" like him. That one had all things to be called human… How about him?  
  
He lifted his head up to see the sky. The moon was beautiful, just shone without any burden. Nothing could cling on to the holy moon. Unlike him… Just some soft moves, some misty sound could whirl him along… make him forget about the moon. The firmament was dark. All stars, all light was ceding for the moon… The moonlight had dispersed grey clouds with its fabulous light. The light borrowed from the sun? Or the sun hid behind the moon, try to find a place rest on, just like what he did to her? He couldn't know? But wasn't the moonlight very beautiful?  
  
The wind blew softly. However, the moon was still bright… Shining and remote. He smiled. One day in that sky, some place would be saved for him, where he could be near to the moon, watch the moon with all its beauty from his soul. But someday was not today…   
  
**Owari  
**  
_23ra- Juillet 2004_

__

* * *

**AN:** Such a hard fic to write! Aoshi-san's 26 (in manga), and I'm only 15 (to be exact, today's my 15th birthday). When I re-read manga, I felt that somehow Aoshi-san is totally out of character, or in other words, he's not Shinomori Aoshi in Rurouni Kenshin but my Aoshi-san and myself (remember that before blaming me ). However, I have to finish and post it. I love them, now and forever, that I swear  
  
One more thing… I wrote this fic under strong effect of many songs belonging to Linkin Park: Papercut, With you, Crawling, Runaway, By myself, In the end, A place for my head, Forgotten, Somewhere I belong, Lying from you and Numb (I mixed/fixed their – yes, theirs, not mine- beautiful meaning lyric in my fic. I can't help loving them). I also had another song sung by George Michael: Jesus to a child (I used the concept, but I like his voice, so deep and warm ).I highly recommand the, They're worth listening to, that I say


End file.
